If I Could Then I Would
by epiphanies
Summary: Buffy and Spike think back on the days when they were together- and the day they went their separate ways. "He was the only one who understood me. Was I right to let that go?"
1. Default Chapter

The Calling- Wherever You Will Go

  
  
  
  


Spike took a long drag on his cigarette.

"So," said a girl on the barstool beside him, "Do you want to see my new apartment?" she smiled coyly at him.

He looked at her closely.

She was only about eighteen.

About how old Dawn is by now, he realized with a pang.

He stood and exited the New York bar with a thoughtful sigh.

He had left all but two and a half years ago, but it seemed like so much longer.

He walked down an allyway, looking for action. New York was a hotspot for vamps, and ever since he arrived he had been searching out where to look. He knew the streets of the city like the back of his hand.

I know why I never liked this cite, he cringed as he passed a woman dressed in fishnet stockings and a miniskirt. She leered at him, and he rolled his eyes as he continued walking.

Being with Buffy for a year had changed what he had been for over a hundred years. He actually had grown a lot during their relationship.

After she had decided to truly let him in, and tell her friends about it, they had had a wonderful relationship. She told him everything. He told her everything. They shared more than he had ever really known was there to share.

She had even shared a special secret with him once.

"You know how I went to meet up with Angel once I came back?" she'd whispered, and he'd nodded. He so wanted to know that it was burning him from the inside, "Well, when I went to visit- we've always had this...thing. This connection, like we know when the other is near? Well...it was gone. Zip. Nothing was there. It was just like.....we were strangers no matter how hard we tried to make conversation. And- and- I did tell him about you. I told him how good you were now, and how if anything happened to me at any time to go find Spike and tell him. I told him that, and he got sort of mad. But I defended you. And, well, I don't know if I realized it at the time, but I was falling in love with you."

Spike remembered the feeling inside his chest when she had told him this in the dark of the cemetery. He remembered her eyes watching his reaction. He remembered the kiss he gave her after she had declared this.

I really do miss her, he mused. I wonder what she's doing right now?

  
  


So lately, been wondering  
Who will be there to take my place   
When I'm gone you'll need love   
To light the shadows on your face   
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all  
Then between the sand and stone  
Could you make it on your own 

  
  


Buffy Summers sighed. She was perfectly content as she sat out on her back porch, sunbathing.

"This weather is so perfect." she smiled, and Willow, who lay beside her on a lawn chair laughed, "Well, it is Sunnydale. I mean, the weather is the only thing that's perfect."

"No kidding."

"So, you going to the magic shop today, Buffy?"

Buffy sighed. Anya had hired her as a clerk again, and Buffy just didn't have the heart to tell her no.

"No, not today. And, well, if Anya wants she can fire me." she chuckled and Willow smiled.

"The sky is so blue."

Buffy looked up.

She'd only seen such a blue-

Oops. Bad topic. Change.

"Do you ever miss Spike?" Willow said suddenly, and Buffy jumped.

"How in the world did you do that?" she exclaimed, and Willow laughed. 

"The blue. Like his eyes. I know you, and I knew you'd make the connection. So...do you? Ever miss him?"

"The bleached wonder? I don't know..." she said uncomfortably. 

"I miss him." Willow declared, "I miss his cockiness."

Buffy laughed out loud.

"I'm not even going to reply to that."

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Buffy!" Willow scolded playfully, then her mouth softened again.

"I miss his knowledge. He knew so much.... I didn't even realize how much help he was to us until he left."

"Yeah." Buffy echoed, but inside her heart was constricting. She'd had a few dates in the past few years, but they were nothing special. Nothing that challenged her. Nothing that sparked her interest. 

"I'm going. Are you ok with that?" Spike looked into her green depths that were glistening with unshed tears. "Yeah." she'd replied. And with that, he'd left Sunnydale. Left her forever. Like everyone else.

"You know, Will...he promised that he'd never leave me." Buffy said suddenly.

"Oh, Buffy." Willow sighed and put her hand on her friend's, "They always say that."

"And they always leave....I mean, we decided he would go together....I can't even remember why anymore."

"Because there was too much crime in New York nowadays for the cops to handle." Willow reminded.

Buffy smiled, "They had enough cops. It was just some excuse. I think we were drowning in each other. I had to escape...or he did."

"Well, I like the New York idea better."

"Me too." said Buffy sadly.  
  
If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go   


  
  


Spike smiled to himself. He could just picture her long blonde hair- the long hair that she had regrown in time for his departure. 

We were so stupid, he realized, we were so foolish. And I was. I never should have taken advantage of her in the first place...

  
  


"I touch the fire and it freezes me-"

"I died, so many years ago"

"I look into it and it's black. This isn't real"

"But you can make me"

"but I just wanna feel..."

  
  


He coughed and looked up at the moon. He knew that he'd never give up the memory of Buffy. His slayer. He remembered when she'd found the ring.

  
  


"Spike? What's this?" she looked at him. She'd been going through his drawers one morning, trying to find a stake for patrolling. She'd forgotten Mr Pointy. She'd found the ring.

He'd snatched it away from her, "Don't' touch that!"

"Why?" she eyed him warily, "Did you steal it off of somebody?"

"No."

"Stray victim from years ago that had money?"

"No!"

"Whose was it, then?"

"My...my mother's."

"You KILLED YOUR MOTHER?"

"No! Buffy....just forget you ever saw it, okay?"

"No! What's this about, Spike?" she was visibly starting to get angry. He patted a spot on the bed. She sat beside him.

"The gang- Dru, Darla and Peaches- they- they wanted to kill my family. Undo all my ties, see? I told them no, but Angelus was dead set on it...when I got back from bringing my sister to the orphanage...I found him with his teeth sunk into my mother's neck." 

She'd gasped, looking horrified.

"I tackled him, I beat him- he lay on the ground, unalive but broken. I rushed to my mother...she was alive-but barely...

She handed me this ring off of her finger. She'd never taken it off, not as long as I remember. She told me to give it to the girl I loved, the girl I was going to marry. Well....I never married, so I just kept it with me. My mother...she was my best friend....and my sister was my...." he hadn't finished. Buffy understood.

"I'm sorry he caused you that pain." she'd said, and he knew that she was empathetic. She'd been hurt by Angelus before too. 

  
  
  
  


He hadn't seen the ring for two and a half years. He supposed he had left it in his crypt. He cursed himself for it, but didn't go back. He knew he wouldn't be able to leave again if he did.  


And maybe, I'll find out   
A way to make it back someday   
To watch you, to guide you  
Through the darkest of your days   
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all   
Then I hope there's someone out there   
Who can bring me back to you   


"I really did love him, Will." whispered Buffy.

"I know, honey." Willow said sympathetically.

A tear tread down her face as she fingered her hand.

She'd found the ring after he'd left. She didn't know whether he had left it on purpose-

But it meant something, even if he hadn't really meant to.

  


If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go   


"I should see how she's doing," he said aloud as he passed a group of rowdy teenagers.

I should, he realized. He hadn't heard her voice in so long...

He was going to call her.

  


Run away with my heart   
Run away with my hope   
Run away with my love   


He was the only one who understood me. Was I right to let that go? Buffy wondered as she lathered herself with soap later that night in the shower.

"Maybe I should call him," she said aloud, then blinked.

Yes, Buffy. You should. It would help if he, Oh, I don't know, had a phone number!

"I should just admit how I lost the best thing in my entire life." she pointed out to herself.

I am going crazy, she realized with sad smile.

  


I know now, just quite how   
My life and love might still go on   
In your heart, in your mind  
I'll stay with you for all of time

  
  


555-542-3422  
"I'll never forget the number." he said nervously to himself as his jingled the change in his pocket. 

RING

Oh, my god.

RING

Hang up!

RING

Before it's too-

"Hello?"

"Oh! Uh, Hello." he said awkwardly. He didn't recognize the voice.

"Hi," the female voice said uncomfortably, "Who's this?"

Oh, my god! It's-

"Dawn?" he whispered.

"Ok, who is this, cause you're starting to freak me out!"

"Oh!" he inwardly slapped himself, "It's....uh...um.....bloody hell."

There was a pause at the end of the line, "Spike?" Dawn whispered.

"Dawn." he said, relieved.

"Oh, wow." she whispered, sounding excited, "What's going on? How have you been? Where have you been? Oh, wow!"

"Nothing, fine and New York. You?" he smiled. She sounded older, but still the same old Dawn. *You knew and loved* he added mentally.

"Oh, I'm ok.....thanks so much for calling." she sounded like she was smiling and then it hit Spike.

"Today is your birthday!" he shouted, and she laughed.

"I noticed."

"Wow, Dawn. You're- you're-" he struggled with the shocking realization.

"Nineteen."

"Yeah! Wow! I mean....wow. You sound all grown up."

"I am all grown up. You should see me. Taller than- um, taller than...."

"Buffy?" he croaked in supply.

"Yeah." she said quietly, "Do you want to talk to her?"

"Oh, well, only if she'd like to talk to me...." he trailed, crossing his fingers, not sure what he wanted more.

"She's in the shower, hold on a sec."

  


If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go   


"Buffy!"

"What?" Buffy answered and cursed as she cut her leg on the shaver.

"Phone!"

"I'll call them back."

"You, uh, you can't."

"Why?" said Buffy suspiciously.

"Because, well...it's....important and...well...uh....Spike."

Buffy nearly fell off of the chair.

"What?" she said, just loud enough for Dawn to hear.

"Spike? You know, bleached, vamp, ex boyfriend, sweetie pie? Shall I continue, because the phone is right here in my hand..."

"Okay! Okay, um, hold on!"

Buffy wrapped the towel around herself frantically and grabbed the phone from Dawn then closed the door again.

She took a deep breath.

"Hello?"

There was a breathing noise at the end of the line.

"Hi, Buff."

Her heart was wrenching. That voice....

"Hi, Spike."

"So....how's the past few years been?"

"Oh...regular. Boring. Blah. You? How's the NYC life?"

"Oh, dandy. I found a few nests to bust up earlier, it was fun."

"Great."

There was a silence, and then she heard him cough.

"I miss you, Buffy." he said softly.

She tried to hold back her tears, "I miss you too...why don't you...come and visit?"

She could practically hear him fighting with himself.

"I don't know, Buff....I may never be able to leave you again."

She nodded.

That's the point, she wanted to say.

  
  


If I could turn back time  
I'll go wherever you will go  
If I could make you mine  
I'll go wherever you will go  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
"Well?" she acted like she ignored the last comment.

"Do you want me to come?"

"Yes." she said quickly, then closed her eyes.

Please. I need to see you again.

"Is Dawn different?"

  
  


Her eyelids flew open.

"She's a woman now." she whispered, a smile at her lips.

"Okay then. I'm coming to fight off the boy beasties." he said quickly.

She laughed.

"Okay, Spike." 

"When should I-"

"As soon as you can."

"Because...?"

"I miss you. And I still love you."

"I love you too, Buffy. You really want me to come? Aren't you afraid you'll fall for me again?"

" I never stopped."

Spike paused, at the end of the line.

"Buffy....do you know if I left that ring behind, in my crypt?"

Buffy looked down at her finger, knowing, for real, that this was meant to be.

"Yeah, Spike. You left it here because you knew you'd have to come back for it. For me."

"Did I?"

"Yes. Now....come and get it, ok? It's lonely without you."

"Okay, Buffy. Okay."

  
  
  
  


FIN


	2. Chapter 2 (final chapter)

Chapter 2 (final chapter)

  
  
  
  


Buffy smiled to herself as she puffed up her hair.

It was morning, and Spike had said that he would come as soon as possible. Would that be today?

How is it going to be, she wondered as she applied a small layer of mascara, will it be different? Will he be different? Have I changed much?

She looked at herself in the mirror. Same weight, same face, same hair....same muscles. Unfortunately, Sunnydale had only one vampire that had left to somewhere else two years ago. They had just kept on coming.

Stupid Undeads, she smirked to herself, then smiled. She looked nice. She had bought the pink slip dress a few months before, but hadn't had any occasions to wear it. She didn't think the vamps deserved for her to look so pretty when she killed them.

"Buffy, you look great!" Willow rushed into the room and hugged her.

"Thanks, Will." Buffy smiled, embarrassed. She knew Willow knew how sick she was feeling about seeing Spike again.

"Ooh, he's gonna die!" squealed Willow, and Buffy grinned.

"Yeah, bad pun, I know. But still! He's gonna be even deader! You look hot!"

"Um, Will!"

"Oh. Sorry." Willow smiled sheepishly, "Not hitting on you, Buff. You know that-"

"I know." Buffy smiled.

  
  
  
  


Buffy bit into her chicken with a sigh. It was eight o clock and he still wasn't there.

"Well, you did have to take about twelve hours away for, well, sunlight." Dawn sat down beside her and patted her back.

"Yeah." said Buffy unenthusiastically. What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he wanted to see me so much that he forgot about the sunlight and when it came up he was driving-

DING.

"Oh, God." Buffy felt her stomach drop.

He's here.

Dawn went to get the door and Buffy ran to the mirror. She fluffed up her hair again and puckered her lips. She still looked good!

She shook her head and walked into the hallway. Dawn stood at the door, in a frozen state. Then she hugged the male-

Brunette?

Her mouth dropped open. He'd lost the bleach?

"Spike!" Dawn squealed, "You undid your hair! And you're here and wow! I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Hey, biblet." he smiled at her when they pulled away, "You were right, you are taller than-"

Then he looked right at Buffy. He hesitated.

"Buffy."

"Hey." she said quietly, and Dawn bit her lip.

"That's my cue." she said brightly, and headed upstairs.

"So, you uh, undid your hair." Buffy said stupidly.

He smiled at her, "Like it?"

He looked hopeful.

She looked him over. Same body, totally different style. His duster was gone, replaced by a short black leather coat, and he wore dark new blue jeans and a -tight- white shirt. His hair was light brown, curly and fluffy.

His eyes were still blue.

"Wow." she whispered, "You've changed."

"I still have all my stuff," he said quickly, but she smiled and stopped him.

"You look great." she gave him a teary smile.

"You do too." he said sincerely.

"Uh, oh. Come on in." she motioned for him to sit in the living room.

"So....what's new?" he said once he had sat down on the couch.

"Nothing much... it's so weird, Willow and I were just talking about you yesterday."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah...."

"Good things?"

"Memories."

"Of good things?"

She laughed, "Yes. Why we, um, why we missed you."

He got a soft look, "I missed you too. All of you. Even the whelp."

"Really?" Buffy raised her eyebrows.

"Only sometimes. When I had nobody to play pool and rant about women with."

"You guys did that? Why didn't we know?"

"Once, it was only once. And, well, you were the women, weren't you?"

They laughed.

Spike watched her for a second.

"You look the same as I remember."

A smile played at her lips, "Is that good or bad?"

"Well, good. You don't have the tears on your face now or anything." he smiled.

She shook her head, "I'm doing my best, Spike. I don't know if I'll be able to hold them off much longer, though."

Spike looked confused, "The vamps? Are they that bad?"

Buffy laughed lowly, "I meant the tears."

He cocked his head as she wiped her eye, "I've been so incredibly lost, Spike. I've messed up. Whenever I'm recovering from something I mess up. Relationships, losses, death. I get over it, but I still cause destruction when it happens, and I just realized that I still haven't gotten used to the fact that you left and if you leave again I'll mess up ten times worse. But....I'm babbling. Never mind. Just...tell me about New York or something."

"Oh, Buffy," he whispered and moved towards her. He put his finger on her cheek and wiped her tear away, "I'm sorry."

She couldn't stop crying now, "I'm sorry," he whispered as she wrapped her arms around him, "I'm sorry...."

She pulled back and sniffed, "This isn't exactly the homecoming you expected, was it?"

He chuckled, "Thing never go as expected in Sunnydale, Buff."

She looked down at her hand and pulled off the ring.

"Here," she looked down, "Take it. I held onto it for you, take it."

He was looking at her intently.

"What would you do if I asked you to keep it? If you remember the story I told you about my Mum?"

Buffy was trying to read his eyes.

Instead, she read his lips.

"Marry me." he whispered, and she exhaled deeply.

"Really?" she breathed, and he nodded.

"In the park? At dusk? With white dresses and flower girls?" her eyes were shining as he laughed, "Yes. Anything."

"Then.....yes."

"You will marry me, then?" he grinned and she kissed him as he slipped the ring back on her finger.

"I missed you," she whispered happily as she pulled back. She laughed out loud as she realized that she was sitting in the chair and he was on his knees.

"I missed you too." he murmured, "I love you, Buffy."

"I love you too, Spike."

They stood up, "It's William now, Sweetheart. I'm getting married as William. To Buffy. Man to woman."

"Man to woman." Buffy repeated and smiled. 

"Soul to soul?" she whispered suddenly, and his eyes twinkled.

"Really?" her eyes widened in shock and he nodded.

"I didn't know how to tell you exactly.....but there was a gypsy in a bar, which was strange as it was-" he laughed and she kissed him again.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and he held her around the waist.

He took a shaky breath, "You are....the wind beneath my wings....."

He could feel Buffy laughing, "It might have appeared to go unnoticed, but I've got it all here in my heart....I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it. It would be nothing without you.....

Spike smiled down at her, " Did you ever know that you're my hero...."

  
  


You're everything I wish I could be.  
I could fly higher than an eagle,  
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.  
  
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?  
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.  
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,  
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings,  
'cause you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.  
  
Oh, the Wind Beneath My Wings.  
You, you, you, you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.  
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.  
Oh, you, you, you, the Wind Beneath My Wings.  
Oh, you, you, you, the Wind Beneath My Wings.  
  
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,  
so high I almost touch the sky.  
Thank you, thank you,  
thank God for you, the Wind Beneath My Wings...

  
  
  
  


*THERE! It's done, there will be no follow up, no other chapter. FINITO! I just thought it would be cute, and you guys made me do a follow up, so I did, but I am NOT doing another one! LOL but this was fun and cute, and for those of you who don't know the signifigance of wind beneath my wings, it's from SOMETHING BLUE, when Buff and Spike are put under a love spell and they are going to get married. At the end when they come out of the spell Buffy is being mean to Spike and he retorts with "At least I didn't want Wind Beneath My Wings for the first dance.". It was funny. Have fun with this, post it anywhere as long as I get credit, and blah blah blah. Thanks for reading, please review and have a nice and dandy day! :)

  
  
  



End file.
